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What is a Soul Midwife?

Background

Communities around the world have their own traditional way of sitting and watching with the dying. In Tibet they chant and ring singing bowls; in India precious oils are used to anoint and soothe; in Africa they tell elaborate stories about the ancestors and those closer to home; in the Scottish Isles they sing the song of the native redshank bird, interwoven with the dying person’s name to prompt the soul’s journey.

It wasn’t so long ago that birth and death were witnessed as natural, part of life’s occurrences that often happened at home. People used to die in their own beds, often with their family around them. Children would be familiar with seeing someone die and others grieving. They would be familiar with the smell and the feelings around the act of dying. Dying was part of life. Communities had midwives and wise women who were skilled in the arts of birth and death. They gave practical help and support, and may not have been described as religious but were definitely spiritual.

We as a society have removed the process of dying into hospitals and hospices, where we feel safe that the medical teams can do their best for our sick and dying. In this process of removal we have become less familiar with death and as a result are more fearful of our own mortality. What could be worse than hearing the words ‘I’m afraid there’s nothing more we can do.’?

There’s a growing body of people, mostly, but not all women, wishing to help those who are dying to experience as good a death as possible. They feel there is more that can be done to ease the journey.

Soul Midwives aim to work with someone as they pass along their final journey in this life. We are there to reduce fear and anxiety. Our training enables us to recognise signs of withdrawal and help to support with the physical and spiritual (in the broadest sense) aspects of the dying person. As a Soul Midwife I also support family and carers if and when they need help in a situation that can at times be overwhelmingly emotional.

We refer to the person we are visiting as our ‘friend’, rather than a patient or a client. If there is time, it is important to get to know the friend and also become aware of the family needs and wishes.

There is also a certain amount of healing that can be done. Even the dying are often still open to comfort and healing – maybe some music, touch/gentle massage, reading (poetry or favourite passages), use of their favourite oils. Just sitting alongside is helping………

As with giving birth, women are encouraged to make a birth plan, soul midwives hope to be able to support those who are dying, to make a death plan. Before discussing the plan, I think it is important to invite the friend to do a visualisation and meditation on the ideal situation they would like to be in when they die. Even if it’s not possible to actually provide this, the person then has the ability to revisit this place when they are anxious or in pain.

Discussion for the plan could be around questions such as;

Where would you like to die? At home, in hospital, or in a hospice?

Statistics show that 70% of us would like to die at home and only about 17% achieve it.

How much information would you like to be given?

What level of pain relief would you like?

Would you prefer information to be given to a partner or a relative?

Some may not wish to find out from a member of medical staff that they are dying, but from someone closer to them. They may wish to discuss it on a spiritual level with someone else.

Would you like any religious ceremonies or rituals prior to death?

Some soul midwives are also trained as interfaith ministers or celebrants, but we respect all other beliefs.

Would you like to be anointed or to receive healing?

Who would you like to have or not have with you?

We have all heard of people who appear to have waited for the family to go for a coffee and then die quietly alone. Do they wish their families as little pain as possible? Or do they find it easier to let go whilst not in the presence of those that they love?

Are there any outstanding issues: relationships, emotional, financial, to be resolved?

This can be really important. If there is a family rift there may be the opportunity to do something about it and to talk through the problem. And if the family or the person in question cannot be present, it can be tremendously important just to tell the story.

How long would you like to be left after you have died and before you are removed and prepared for burial or cremation?

With the transition of soul from one form of life to the next, soul midwives believe that the process of dying does not end with the last breath. There are many in other cultures who believe that for about three hours the soul is processing its transition. In a hospital setting it can be difficult for a family to request time to sit with their deceased. If for a member of the family it is the first time they have been with a dying person, they may panic about what happens next. As a soul midwife I try to reassure them and say ‘nothing need happen for a while’. As a society we need to relearn the rituals around dying. We can give ourselves more time to process the event and I believe, help the grieving process.

Always these things are for the friend to talk about and make decisions on based on their own set of beliefs. And, of course, the primary condition of all these questions is whether the person has actually accepted that they’re dying and is comfortable in talking about it. This doesn’t always happen, and then maybe only just before death. As a trained counsellor, I’m always very aware of the need for the friend to control the content and pace of our discussion.

In her Gentle Dying Method (2008), Felicity Warner describes the process of dying in stages. As in childbirth there are stages of labour, in death there are stages of dying. According to Eastern medicine, there are four distinct stages apparent in the dying process, which can take place over a period of months or weeks, or in the case of sudden death can happen in minutes. These four stages are based around the idea that our bodies are composed of the four primal elements of earth, water, fire, and air. The signs that these elements are withdrawing can help us to recognise how we can support at each stage.

There are already many soul midwives out there, working as nurses, and in many roles including volunteers within palliative care. These people would not call themselves soul midwives but they are often performing the loving, supportive role that is needed.

I believe the role of soul midwife is to provide a loving, safe space to support the dying in experiencing as good a death as possible. I also see the role as being privileged to support close family and friends who often need someone present who is comfortable and confident. Apart from the medical aspect of dying, the most important support that can be given is being there alongside the person as they experience this most intimate and sacred journey.

Links:- www.soulmidwives.co.uk

www.hazelrowntreecounselling.com

Gentle Dying by Felicity Warner

Pub; Hay House, 2008

A Safe Journey Home by Felicity Warner

Pub; Hay House, 2011

Hazel Rowntree asserts her moral right to be identified as the author of this work.

Hazel Rowntree